I had a bunch of doctor's appointments and exams today, mostly because I only wanted to use one day's worth of PTO to get as many of them crossed off as possible because I'm stingy.
It was... not bad news, really, but not good, and now I'm just okay-but-kind-of-deflated.
Endocrinology and Mental Health:
Hormone levels look fine. The doctor suggested that I could try maybe taking my spironolactone every other day instead of every day if I wanted to boost sexual drive and function a little, but warned that various feminizing processes could regress as a side effect. If they do, I could just go back to every day. Basically their overall point was "you're in control of your meds, you're allowed to see if some adjusting makes you happy and go back if it doesn't." So, that part is all well and good, no problems here.
Because these visits kind of double as general doctor PCP checkups for me (the line in this clinic is kind of fuzzy) we also went over some mental well-being stuff and touched on some issues I've been having recently with my temper.
To be clear, I don't think I have it particularly bad right now. Like, I'm not a short-fused wrathful explosion machine or anything. Any anger or frustration I feel at daily inconveniences is probably within the normal parameters of what everyone goes through. I've even had friends I've explained this issue to react with genuine surprise and an inability to imagine me ever being hostile. Anger issues? Me? Pfff.
However, I used to be that bad. I have matured and calmed down since then, and I'm a sweetie now (or I try to be most of the time, anyway.) And even though I'm better now... I guess the problem is that I never really learned to adjust to the healthy normal person scale? Like, you don't go from being an alcoholic to drinking responsibly after rehab. I'm left with the worrying dread that what if every time I ever get irked at anything is a relapse. That dread itself tends to make outbursts worse, as now there's a sort of one-two punch wherein I first get mad at something and then get crushingly guilty and remorseful as soon as I cool down.
(Look, I have Sara in my head, okay? Even if I do everything right as far as counting to ten and not yelling at people and venting out loud, she gets to see and feel my rage and it's pretty hard to feel good about subjecting her to that.)
So I guess I need... guidance? On how normal people have a mood without turning it into a thing, and I now have an appointment with their behavioral therapist in a few weeks. This would be the same one who single-handedly cured my panic attacks, so at least I'm in good hands.
Speaking of Sara, there's a decent chance she she'll come up at that point. I mean, if even my PCP/endocrinologist knows about (and fully approves of) her, a therapy type environment is more germane to the topic, surely?
Or maybe it isn't? She and I did talk on the way to the bus after getting out of this appointment about how she's my daughter (/sister/girlfriend/however you define our relationship,) not my conscience. She's not a filter, or cog in the Celine machine, or whatever metaphor you want to use to convey it being her job to regulate my systems. She does do that, mind you. She helps me immeasurably in everything from general favors to urging me to get to bed on time to just being there for me as a companion and source of cuddling and comfort. But that's all stuff your partner does for you out of love in a healthy and mutually supporting relationship. She's not meant to be an automatic mental purifying organ like my liver is for the physical end.
The goal here is still to get to the point where I am okay with my mental state, not "my mental state is a mess but Sara cleans up after it and therefore we as a system are fine." Ideally, neither of us should be there because we need each other. We should be technically fine if we had to stand alone, but still together anyway just because we want to be, because we love each other.
So we'll see how this visit goes, I suppose. It's just hard to feel good about the notion that I'm officially entering some sort of Anger Management Treatment spectrum, even if it's, you know, treatment, to fix a problem, and is ultimately a good thing. It's like how getting a hearing aid/glasses is a positive and helpful improvement to your life but the idea of needing them feels bad.
Oh, my hearing loss is getting worse. I guess that explains why I was making everestdragon repeat himself every second or third sentence. I thought it was a combination of already knowing my hearing is mildly bad anyway + his Australian accent, but it's actually more just because my hearing is moderately bad.
Going to hang onto my audiology test results and maybe think about bringing them into the hearing aid center I usually go to for equipment cleanings and such... in a few months? Maybe? At this point they may need to slightly recalibrate/reprogram the strength on my right aid, and I might have to consider getting a left. I was thinking of looking into if they have newer, fancier models than this old thing I've had for years anyway, but buying a new hearing aid (let alone two) is money, and January is usually not a good month for that. I should be fine by March, and I'll maybe think about scheduling an appointment with them then. And, I mean, it will be nice to get stronger correction if I actually need it, but... sigh.
Vision is mildly slipping as well! I'm at about 20/30 now, enough that I can get by just fine, but the doctor wrote me an eyeglasses prescription should I happen to feel like filling it at some point.
I haven't needed glasses since... well, before I had LASIK. I knew that wasn't a permanent rest-of-my-life fix and this day would be coming again, but it's still sad that here we are. I mean, I have no regrets; I got some good years of being 20/20 or even 20/15, and it was worth it for those. But... mmf.
Like the hearing aid prescription, I will probably hang onto this for now and fill it later, when I have more money. I don't expect to wear the glasses regularly, but I could see them being a special-occasions sort of thing if I'm watching a movie or couch console gaming or something. The hearing aid I probably should be better about actually using since I already have it, and even moreso once I get it reprogrammed/possibly upgraded. I guess we'll see.
This is a cross-posted entry that originated from https://kjorteo.dreamwidth.org/442199.html. Please leave all comments there; I am no longer actively maintaining my LiveJournal blogs.