I just wanted to make this update to say 1) I'm okay and 2) that is entirely thanks to you. I have amazing friends. Thanks to your support, I'm already much closer to being okay than I ever expected to be mere days after the breakup, whereas I'm pretty sure I'd have been lost entirely without your support.
My internal reactions to all of this have been... strange, definitely not what I would have expected from what one of my friends brilliantly termed "Hollywood Heartbreak." I've been up and down, in and out, on and off, cycling through emotions so quickly that I was honestly surprising myself with the chaos of it all. Like, I'd be completely 100% fine, feeling actually kind of good about everything if that can be believed, then out of absolutely nowhere some random memory would blindside me and suddenly I have my face buried in my hands having a complete all-out gross sobbing meltdown... for about thirty seconds. Then I'd be completely fine again. The day of the breakup itself, I want to say that happened three times, but I was okay other than that even that night.
Also--and I know how bad this is going to sound, like it's insensitive or thoughtless or missing the point of it all or something, but I swear that's not the case (I think the crying should be proof enough that I care about all this), but--throughout this whole thing I've been horny, like, even by my standards. I didn't choose that reaction; it just sort of happened. Maybe it's the "drown my sorrows" instincts redirecting themselves to the one vice I actually have? (I mean, I don't even touch caffeine at all, let alone alcohol/tobacco, let alone drugs, but oh my God am I a filthy depraved sewer rat.)
Before the breakup happened, there was some idle "too bad this won't happen but hey fun to pretend I guess" musing between me and a certain friend of mine about possibly hooking up for a "crash at my place for a few days, with benefits" arrangement that got scuttled because, you know, I was taken. On my way to catch the bus home after work on the first day (this would have been about twenty minutes after I got the email and found out it was over,) as I was walking, my first reaction was, "Oh, hey, I guess that whole thing can happen now. :D" Then my second reaction was, "Oh my God that's a horrible thing to say, I just lost the love of my life, that's not how I'm supposed to react." Then my third reaction was one of those quick unbidden random crying fits. Just, you know, to give you some idea how all over the place I've been with all this.
My work offers up to 7 sessions per bad-thing-that-happened of counseling as a company benefit, so I'm going to check into that just to see if it helps me get all this sorted out. If it's a positive environment and it helps, awesome! If it's terrible and I hate it, then, I mean, it's not like I'm out anything for having tried. So, we'll see how that goes.
I'm sorry for sounding so harsh with the "I don't want to talk about it" vibe in my last post. Honestly, that was mostly just to keep the riff-raff out. I still maintain that I have better things to do than relive the tragedy by explaining what happened to every single random follower I don't really know all that well but who happens to be curious. Plus, I mean, Zoey deserves her privacy, I mean come on. However, if you are an actual good friend of mine, then it's okay! I've already been talking about all this with a few of you who know who you are, and again, I'm a lot closer to being okay again than I would have been without your help. Thank you.
As for Zoey, what I said before is still true. I definitely want to talk to her again. I don't want to lose her from my life entirely. Hell, I miss talking to her even now, and (unless she feels differently, which I would totally understand and respect by the way) I really want to hang out with her and watch anime and all that silly fun stuff we used to do. It is still my goal to get this sorted out and then return better than ever. Two days after this whole thing happened is still a bit soon, though, you know? I mean, I haven't even had my first counseling session yet, and I had another one of those short random cries this morning (after having been completely fine with no incidents at all yesterday.) Something tells me I'm probably not ready yet, and I don't want either of us to rush into things that we're not equipped to handle (that's sort of what caused this mess in the first place.) But I guess I'm just putting all this out there because... well, if Zoey happens to see this, I want her to know that I'm not abandoning her, that I'm just working on getting myself together too and that I'll come back someday, at least if she wants me to. Only when we're both ready, though. At this point I think it's clear that focusing on our recovery and mental health and well-being should come first for both of us.